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Clips from Archer - Vision Quest (S06E06)

"Okay. You want a drink, you want to lecture us,"
Archer
"you want more bear claws, you want to smoke, you want to masturbate,"
Archer
"and you're scared that we'll figure out you're actually just a Krieger clone."
Archer
"What? That's-- That's all just common sense."
Archer
"How is it common sense that she thinks I want to masturbate?"
Archer
"Come on, Cyril. For most of us,"
Archer
"she just rattled off our obvious addictions."
Archer
"I'm not addicted to lecturing people."
Archer
"Oh, come on. That's... All right."
Archer
"And what are you laughing at, stroker ace?"
Archer
"I'm not addicted to masturbating!"
Archer
"Cyril, come on. Hand on the Bible,"
Archer
"lie detector, gun to your head,"
Archer
"you don't want to masturbate right now?"
Archer
"Well, not in this elevator."
Archer
"Well, I want to drink, so..."
Archer
"And I want to smoke, so..."
Archer
"So Cyril ought to be able to jack it."
Archer
"Pam, shut up. Well, we tried."
Archer
"And just where, exactly, were you hoping to smoke that cigarette?"
Archer
"Magnum P.I.'s house."
Archer
"But since I'm stuck in here with you people..."
Archer
"Hey! What the shit, woman?"
Archer
"The shit is that I am breastfeeding,"
Archer
"so you will not smoke in this elevator!"
Archer
"You want to bet? Do you?"
Archer
"They're both addicted to gambling."
Archer
"And you're just a regular Sylvia Browne."
Archer
"I also have extreme claustrophobia."
Archer
"Psst, Cyril. Try to rub one out."
Archer
"I do not want to masturbate!"
Archer
"Oh, for-- Not even watching that?"
Archer
"Hey! Guys, come on! Hey! Get your hands o--"
Archer
"Aah."
Archer
"I'm serious. I cannot stress this enough."
Archer
"You do not want tinnitus."
Archer
"How about cirrhosis?"
Archer
"Probably not that either."
Archer
"Now, then. Carol, you had an idea?"
Archer
"Are you a mind reader, too?"
Archer
"No. You told us that you had one."
Archer
"What? Oh, right. Yes."
Archer
"We all jump up and down at the same time"
Archer
"to unjam this stupid thing,"
Archer
"and then it plummets down into the basement,"
Archer
"and we boing into that giant spring"
Archer
"at the bottom of the elevator shaft,"
Archer
"and then are safe."
Archer
"So, suicide pact. An oldie but a goodie."
Archer
"Should we vote? Who's in?"
Archer
"Uh-uh. No. No. Not doing that."
Archer
"No. That works. I've heard about people doing that."
Archer
"You just want an excuse to wet your pants."
Archer
"I don't need an excuse."
Archer
"Yeah, what is this, Soviet Russia?"
Archer
"It-- wait. Are you seriously asking?"
Archer
"I mean..."
Archer
"Krieger, what's the deal? Would that really work?"
Archer
"Wha-- you're asking the guy with a thermos full of human being soup?"
Archer
"It's-- that's not even-- if--"
Archer
"What is this, Soviet Russia?"
Archer
"Right? Oh, my God."
Archer
"Cyril, shut up. You shut up!"
Archer
"Krieger, would that work?"
Archer
"Huh. Maybe?"
Archer
"Maybe? What do you mean, maybe?"
Archer
"Look, first of all, there's no giant spring at the bottom."
Archer
"It's a hydraulic buffer, but you don't want to be in the elevator"
Archer
"when it slams into it."
Archer
"No, but at the last second, you just jump up in the air."
Archer
"How would you know when to jump?"
Archer
"Because you'd give me a lecture on it."
Archer
"Burn!"
Archer
"Ray! She burned her."
Archer
"I know, but-- No. Shut up, because here's the thing--"
Archer
"safety brakes."
Archer
"That's actually what Elisha Otis invented."
Archer
"Not the elevator itself,"
Archer
"but the safety brakes to stop it."
Archer
"It was too bad they couldn't stop diphtheria."
Archer
"So wait. Would the brakes stop us?"
Archer
"Maybe?"
Archer
"Ugh! Oh, my God! Come on!"
Archer
"Look, I don't know if they were damaged in the crash."
Archer
"Okay, but what's the worst case?"
Archer
"Worst case is we die. Impaled on your boner."
Archer
"I do not have an erection!"
Archer
"Well, maybe not now, but say you get"
Archer
"a severe head injury on impact."
Archer
"Boom! Priapism!"
Archer
"Meanwhile, your bodies"
Archer
"are smashing around in here like crash dummies,"
Archer
"until, one at a time, you are each impaled on my priapic erection."
Archer
"Yeah. Like meat at a Brazilian steakhouse!"
Archer
"Ugh, please don't talk about food."
Archer
"Yeah, I am figuratively starving."
Archer
"For meat or Cyril's priapism? Both."
Archer
"I can't take it! I am smoking! Ray!"
Archer
"Ow! Get your foot off my lighter!"
Archer
"Ray, I am serious. God damn it!"
Archer
"I'll put my mouth right up next to the hole and blow into it."
Archer
"Err! Fine, but--"
Archer
"Wait a minute. Well, then I'm peeing."
Archer
"Where? I think I can get it all back in here."
Archer
"No, you can't! Wait a minute. Everybody stop now."
Archer
"What? Two things."
Archer
"One, I really think we need to have a serious talk"
Archer
"about getting phrasing back in the mix."
Archer
"Let it go."
Archer
"Fine. Whatever. No more phrasing."
Archer
"What was thing two? Oh, nothing."
Archer
"I'm just having a stroke."
Archer
"No, you're not. It's Milton! He came back!"
Archer
"Milton! There you are!"
Archer
"What the-- God damn it, Pam!"
Archer
"Oh, no, no, no!"
Archer
"For the love of God, woman!"
Archer
"I thought the hole was bigger."
Archer
"I mean..."
Archer
"Ugh, it's soaking wet down here..."
Archer
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