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Clips from Silicon Valley - Optimal Tip-To-Tip Efficiency (S01E01)

"You've heard the phrase, "Time to pay the piper," right?"
Silicon Valley
"What if there was an app called Pied Piper that could tell you,"
Silicon Valley
"to a statistical degree of certainty, whether you were going to heaven or hell?"
Silicon Valley
"Very interested, somewhat interested, not interested?"
Silicon Valley
"Which one? Which one? Which one?"
Silicon Valley
"So you made some really over-the-top promises about Nucleus."
Silicon Valley
"- Can you deliver? - Absolutely."
Silicon Valley
"For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catch phrases,"
Silicon Valley
"but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning."
Silicon Valley
"Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response!"
Silicon Valley
"I can speak for myself. Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper."
Silicon Valley
"Was I brutally assaulted? Yes."
Silicon Valley
"Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear."
Silicon Valley
"All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven."
Silicon Valley
"- Wait, what rumor? - Thank you."
Silicon Valley
"Why would Gavin have anything to do with this?"
Silicon Valley
"Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology?"
Silicon Valley
"This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated."
Silicon Valley
"OK, the alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work,"
Silicon Valley
"the impending crash of Hooli's stock..."
Silicon Valley
"This is the most ridiculous..."
Silicon Valley
"Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details,"
Silicon Valley
"with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar?"
Silicon Valley
"Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you."
Silicon Valley
"Care to comment?"
Silicon Valley
"Let's keep moving, shall we?"
Silicon Valley
"Yes, let's all keep moving. Let's move on from this."
Silicon Valley
"I forgive you, Gavin. No matter how brutally I was assaulted."
Silicon Valley
"Wow, Pied Piper sounds like a great place to work."
Silicon Valley
"Oh, yeah, it is."
Silicon Valley
"Pied Piper is the best, right?"
Silicon Valley
"Oh, my God, everyday feels like I've died and gone to hell."
Silicon Valley
"I'm sorry."
Silicon Valley
"- He's a Satanist, so it's good. - Mm-hmm."
Silicon Valley
"- Oh, fun. - The point is, we love our company,"
Silicon Valley
"and I don't have a problem saying that out loud."
Silicon Valley
"- You... - Love it."
Silicon Valley
"We both say it out loud and I think that fact,"
Silicon Valley
"proves that we're not dickheads."
Silicon Valley
"So what we wanted to ask you was..."
Silicon Valley
"Guys?"
Silicon Valley
"Totally between us, our beta crapped out."
Silicon Valley
"The VC's did a full clawback and our Series A is DOA."
Silicon Valley
"We're going down. We have enough runway for maybe two, three weeks max."
Silicon Valley
"So... do you guys think you could hire me?"
Silicon Valley
"How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper,"
Silicon Valley
"tracking the location of your child?"
Silicon Valley
"I can follow your child anywhere,"
Silicon Valley
"and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
Silicon Valley
"Most missing children are never found."
Silicon Valley
"Interested, very interested, or very interested?"
Silicon Valley
"Richard. Hi..."
Silicon Valley
"- Hey... suitcase. Yeah. - Yeah."
Silicon Valley
"So you're..."
Silicon Valley
"Peter called. He saw Erlich's presentation, such as it was."
Silicon Valley
"And Gavin's."
Silicon Valley
"So he wants me to go back to Palo Alto."
Silicon Valley
"There's just a few other things he wants me working on."
Silicon Valley
"Now that we're, you know, dead in the water."
Silicon Valley
"Listen, I'm sorry you walked away from the money like you did."
Silicon Valley
"But I swear I only wanted Peter to seed you"
Silicon Valley
"because I thought you had a really great company."
Silicon Valley
"It just didn't work out for you this time."
Silicon Valley
"Uh... can I be honest with you?"
Silicon Valley
"I haven't had more than two straight hours of sleep in months."
Silicon Valley
"I've had a cold for, like, a year."
Silicon Valley
"My stomach cramps up so much I feel like I'm menstruating."
Silicon Valley
"Maybe this is for the better."
Silicon Valley
"Look, I gotta go."
Silicon Valley
"I'm really sorry that we're not gonna be working together anymore."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, me too."
Silicon Valley
"I guess... I guess we won't see each other again."
Silicon Valley
"Well, I mean, now that the rules about socializing with co-workers"
Silicon Valley
"aren't in effect anymore. Let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime."
Silicon Valley
"What, like a "drink" drink?"
Silicon Valley
"You go on dates with failures? (AWKWARD CHUCKLE)"
Silicon Valley
"- Constantly. - OK."
Silicon Valley
"- Uh... bye. OK. - Bye. (CHUCKLES)"
Silicon Valley
"You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time?"
Silicon Valley
"Why, yes. Yes, I do."
Silicon Valley
"Adderall. This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?"
Silicon Valley
"No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."
Silicon Valley
"That's a kind invitation, but I have too much to do. I'm pivoting!"
Silicon Valley
"- Let's go now! - No. I'm pivoting! I'm pivoting!"
Silicon Valley
"I'm pivoting!"
Silicon Valley
"I mean, what do we even present tomorrow?"
Silicon Valley
"Honestly, anyone?"
Silicon Valley
"Why do we have to present at all?"
Silicon Valley
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Silicon Valley
"If we are going to fail and be humiliated, why do it"
Silicon Valley
"on stage in front of 1,000 people and a live-streamed audience?"
Silicon Valley
"Are you saying we shouldn't even show up?"
Silicon Valley
"No offense, but it's basically going to be a public execution."
Silicon Valley
"Yes, and public executions are very popular."
Silicon Valley
"It's show business. We are not quitting, Richard."
Silicon Valley
"Look, Erlich, I want to present, I do, it's just... I don't know."
Silicon Valley
"(DOOR LOCK CLICKING)"
Silicon Valley
"Jesus, are you OK?"
Silicon Valley
"What? Yeah, I... OK."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, all good. They let me go."
Silicon Valley
"- (GILFOYLE) Who let you go? - When was the last time you slept, Jared?"
Silicon Valley
"Absolutely, David. What are we talking about, gents?"
Silicon Valley
"We're talking about how I didn't get to present in the prelims,"
Silicon Valley
"because I was too busy getting my face pummeled"
Silicon Valley
"so that our team could move forward."
Silicon Valley
"That's why we're presenting tomorrow."
Silicon Valley
"And you know what? We're going to win."
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off"
Silicon Valley
"every guy in the audience."
Silicon Valley
"That's a lot of jerking."
Silicon Valley
"And we only have ten minutes to present. So..."
Silicon Valley
"So, we're fucked, aren't we?"
Silicon Valley
"Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room?"
Silicon Valley
"So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is."
Silicon Valley
"- The what? - Mean jerk-time."
Silicon Valley
"I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically,"
Silicon Valley
"time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate."
Silicon Valley
"Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half."
Silicon Valley
"How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?"
Silicon Valley
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