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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Is Bad at Math! (S01E01)

"You've been trapped in this marriage for years."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But now the hatch is open, and you can climb out"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"into the sunlight."
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"So just go already!"
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"No, I won't! It's a trick!"
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"It's not a trick. Gosh wants you to leave!"
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"So does his son, Jeez!"
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"Go already!"
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"There must be some kind of loophole."
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"I don't think so, but who knows?"
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"Your prenuptial agreement requires that you be represented"
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"by a worser lawyer than your husband."
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"He gets my brother, David."
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"David's so cool. And he's, like, really fast."
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"Ow."
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"So just sign this, and we'll initiate the proceedings."
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"I think."
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"I'll check with David when I watch him work out later."
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"Dong!"
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"It's Kimmy from GED class."
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"Shh! I don't have papers,"
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"so at work I go by American name."
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"Richard Pennsylvania."
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"Well, Richard, I need a math tutor, big time."
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"So far all I've learned is that the Olsen twins"
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"are actually four people."
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"Of course."
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"It took two of them to play one baby on the Full House."
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"So if we see two of them now, there must be four."
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"Look, Kimmy, you seem like a street girl..."
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"Street girl? Hey!"
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"Oh, sorry, I meant sweet girl."
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"I get confused because in Vietnam, the word "duong""
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"can mean "sweet" or "street.""
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"Or "sugar" or "road.""
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"The number one cause of death there is when a diabetic"
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"asks for directions."
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"Oh!"
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"But I don't have time to tutor anybody."
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"I barely have time to study at home"
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"because I work three shifts."
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"My boss is so cheap."
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"- How... cheap... is he? - Very."
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"He won't hire any more delivery guys."
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"It's a real problem for me."
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"It's funny 'cause it's true."
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"Okay, I get it."
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"You don't have any time because of work."
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"But I could help you."
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"If I take some of your deliveries,"
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"maybe you'd have some free time"
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"and we could study together."
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"It would be nice to have some help."
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"Delivering Chinese food all day can be depressing."
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"Like when people yell out, "food's here!""
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"As if they have a family. But I know they are alone."
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"So study buddies? Tonight?"
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"- My apartment? - Okay."
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"Study buddies."
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"Oh, no, Kimmy!"
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"I cannot touch a woman I barely know."
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"It's non-appropriate."
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"Okay, well let's just say this is going to be great!"
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"Fingers crossed."
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"Where I come from, that is a very obscene gesture!"
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"Okay, gotcha."
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"What is wrong with you?"
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"Oh."
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"Oh, Kimmy,"
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"I do know it's your day off,"
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"and I'm so sorry to bring you back here"
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"from whatever decaying steel town you call home."
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"That's okay. I know you're going through a tough time."
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"And it's making me want to stress eat."
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"So if you could do it for me while I watch,"
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"that would be so thank you."
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"Oh."
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"Excellent."
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"Eat your shame."
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"Now cry."
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"Take another bite and suck your thumb and cry."
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"Mmm."
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"Look, I'm happy to come over here whenever you want,"
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"but Logan Beekman is taking me to dinner on Thursday."
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"Look who caught a whale,"
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"and with such dry bait."
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"Wait, huh?"
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"Kimmy, I'm so happy for you."
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"If you play this right, you could end up exactly like me,"
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"with a kitchen like this and an ass that won't quit,"
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"even though it's never worked a day in its life."
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"What do you mean "exactly like you?""
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"You and Mr. Voorhees are getting..."
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"rhymes with "shmavorced.""
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"Actually, great news: we're not."
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"Julian and I are staying together."
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"What? No."
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"What about your freedom, sunlight, birds,"
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"free cocoa at the police station."
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"I don't expect you to understand,"
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"but I'm used to a certain lifestyle."
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"He cheated on you."
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"You can't put a price tag on your self-respect."
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"3,400, the amount the Olsen quadruplets paid me"
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"to keep my mouth shut."
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"- Mrs. Voorhees - I've made my decision, Kimmy."
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"Now, where did I leave my phone?"
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"Oof, do not go in there."
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"Where? Outside?"
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"You heard me."
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"So how was your day?"
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"Walking around New York dressed like a werewolf"
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"got... weird."
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"Wait!"
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"Mr. Bus!"
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"Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't need a cab."
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"I was just waving."
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"I didn't do anything."
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"Nice day, huh, sir?"
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"Can you hold my baby?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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