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Clips from Cheers - An American Family (S03E03)

SHE DUMPED YOU?

"SHE DUMPED YOU?"

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MM-HMM.

"MM-HMM."

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SAM, YOU BOGGLE ME.

"SAM, YOU BOGGLE ME."

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WELL, WAIT A SECOND.

"WELL, WAIT A SECOND."

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I DID DUMP THAT BLONDE WAITRESS THERE.

"I DID DUMP THAT BLONDE WAITRESS THERE."

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NICK!

"NICK!"

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WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

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HEY!

"HEY!"

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IS THAT THE KIND OF HELLO I DESERVE?!

"IS THAT THE KIND OF HELLO I DESERVE?!"

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NO. BEND OVER, AND I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

"NO. BEND OVER, AND I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU."

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I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

"I GOTTA TALK TO YOU."

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I WOULD HAVE COME BY THE HOUSE,

"I WOULD HAVE COME BY THE HOUSE,"

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BUT I DIDN'T WANT LORETTA TO SEE MY HUMBLE BEGINNINGS.

"BUT I DIDN'T WANT LORETTA TO SEE MY HUMBLE BEGINNINGS."

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I NEED A SIMPLE FAVOR.

"I NEED A SIMPLE FAVOR."

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UNLESS IT'S SETTING YOUR EYEBROWS ON FIRE, FORGET IT.

"UNLESS IT'S SETTING YOUR EYEBROWS ON FIRE, FORGET IT."

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THEY USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

"THEY USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY."

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YEAH, YEAH.

"YEAH, YEAH."

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I CAME 'CAUSE I WANT A KID.

"I CAME 'CAUSE I WANT A KID."

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SHOULDN'T YOU BE BAKING YOUR BISCUITS IN BLONDIE'S OVEN NOW?

"SHOULDN'T YOU BE BAKING YOUR BISCUITS IN BLONDIE'S OVEN NOW?"

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I'M TALKING ABOUT ONE OF OURS.

"I'M TALKING ABOUT ONE OF OURS."

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I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS.

"I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS."

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UH, WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO STEP INTO MY OFFICE

"UH, WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO STEP INTO MY OFFICE"

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SO YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY?

"SO YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY?"

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NO.

"NO."

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PLEASE.

"PLEASE."

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WHAT'S THIS ABOUT, HUH?

"WHAT'S THIS ABOUT, HUH?"

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AS YOU KNOW, I AM NOW MARRIED

"AS YOU KNOW, I AM NOW MARRIED"

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TO A GODDESS COMPARED TO YOU-- LORETTA.

"TO A GODDESS COMPARED TO YOU-- LORETTA."

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BUT SHE'S PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO HAVE ANY KIDS,

"BUT SHE'S PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO HAVE ANY KIDS,"

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AS THIS IS BREAKING HER HEART

"AS THIS IS BREAKING HER HEART"

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PLUS I DON'T WANT ANYONE THINKING I'M NOT DOING MY JOB,

"PLUS I DON'T WANT ANYONE THINKING I'M NOT DOING MY JOB,"

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I FIGURED I'D JUST TAKE ONE OF OUR OLD ONES.

"I FIGURED I'D JUST TAKE ONE OF OUR OLD ONES."

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YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU AND THAT TWINKIE

"YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU AND THAT TWINKIE"

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ONE OF MY CHILDREN?!

"ONE OF MY CHILDREN?!"

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PRODUCT OF MY SEED!

"PRODUCT OF MY SEED!"

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HEY, HEY! PLEASE. PLEASE!

"HEY, HEY! PLEASE. PLEASE!"

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LOOK, NICK, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, EVEN FOR YOU.

"LOOK, NICK, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, EVEN FOR YOU."

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WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? YOU GOT FIVE.

"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? YOU GOT FIVE."

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CARLA, DON'T LET THIS RECIDIVIST STRONG ARM YOU.

"CARLA, DON'T LET THIS RECIDIVIST STRONG ARM YOU."

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THERE IS NO BOND GREATER THAN THAT OF MOTHER AND CHILD.

"THERE IS NO BOND GREATER THAN THAT OF MOTHER AND CHILD."

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HE'S TALKING OF YOUR BABIES--

"HE'S TALKING OF YOUR BABIES--"

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THE ISSUE OF YOUR WOMB.

"THE ISSUE OF YOUR WOMB."

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OH, WOULD ANYONE MIND IF I WENT INTO MY OFFICE?

"OH, WOULD ANYONE MIND IF I WENT INTO MY OFFICE?"

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CARLA, SEE REASON.

"CARLA, SEE REASON."

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OH, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OUT AN AD IN THE PAPER?

"OH, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OUT AN AD IN THE PAPER?"

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YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT THE KID'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,

"YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT THE KID'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,"

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BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'D BE FUSSY.

"BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'D BE FUSSY."

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I WANT MY OWN. I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY ELSE'S.

"I WANT MY OWN. I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY ELSE'S."

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MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESSES.

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESSES."

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CARLA, DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE SO COLD HEARTED, BUT SINCE YOU ARE, I'VE NO CHOICE

"CARLA, DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE SO COLD HEARTED, BUT SINCE YOU ARE, I'VE NO CHOICE"

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BUT TO DO WHAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

"BUT TO DO WHAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS."

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WHAT, BREATHE THOUGH YOUR NOSE?

"WHAT, BREATHE THOUGH YOUR NOSE?"

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NO!

"NO!"

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I'M TAKING YOU TO COURT.

"I'M TAKING YOU TO COURT."

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HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

"HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

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OH, NO?

"OH, NO?"

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I HAPPEN TO HAVE AN ATTORNEY, CARLA,

"I HAPPEN TO HAVE AN ATTORNEY, CARLA,"

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AND HE REASSURES ME THAT I'VE GOT A GOOD CASE.

"AND HE REASSURES ME THAT I'VE GOT A GOOD CASE."

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IN FACT, HE THINKS I CAN GET ALL 5 KIDS

"IN FACT, HE THINKS I CAN GET ALL 5 KIDS"

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AND YOU AS A MAID.

"AND YOU AS A MAID."

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I'M LETTING YOU OFF EASY.

"I'M LETTING YOU OFF EASY."

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Sam: HEY, TOM, YOU'RE A LAWYER, RIGHT?

"Sam: HEY, TOM, YOU'RE A LAWYER, RIGHT?"

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CAN HE DO THIS?

"CAN HE DO THIS?"

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WELL, SAM, FAMILY LAW IS NOT MY SPECIALTY HERE. HOWEVER--

"WELL, SAM, FAMILY LAW IS NOT MY SPECIALTY HERE. HOWEVER--"

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WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT."

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HOLD ON THERE, OLIVER WENDELL HOMELY.

"HOLD ON THERE, OLIVER WENDELL HOMELY."

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EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR SPECIALTY,

"EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR SPECIALTY,"

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BLOWING THE BAR EXAM?

"BLOWING THE BAR EXAM?"

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HEY, I'M GONNA PASS IT THIS TIME, WISE GUY.

"HEY, I'M GONNA PASS IT THIS TIME, WISE GUY."

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DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.

"DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT."

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YEAH, YEAH. I'M NOT WORRIED.

"YEAH, YEAH. I'M NOT WORRIED."

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YOU'VE TAKEN IT IN EVERY STATE IN NEW ENGLAND.

"YOU'VE TAKEN IT IN EVERY STATE IN NEW ENGLAND."

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LOOK, CARLA, YOU'RE TALKING TO A MAN HERE

"LOOK, CARLA, YOU'RE TALKING TO A MAN HERE"

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WHO THINKS AFFIDAVIT IS A JEWISH WINE.

"WHO THINKS AFFIDAVIT IS A JEWISH WINE."

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NOW--IF HE KNOWS ANYTHING,

"NOW--IF HE KNOWS ANYTHING,"

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HE KNOWS MORE THAN YOU.

"HE KNOWS MORE THAN YOU."

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THANK YOU, CARLA.

"THANK YOU, CARLA."

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FINISH WHAT YOU WERE SAYING THERE, TOM.

"FINISH WHAT YOU WERE SAYING THERE, TOM."

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Norm: YEAH, YEAH, WE CAN'T WAIT.

"Norm: YEAH, YEAH, WE CAN'T WAIT."

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ACTUALLY, CARLA, UH, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE

"ACTUALLY, CARLA, UH, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE"

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HE COULD GET CUSTODY HERE

"HE COULD GET CUSTODY HERE"

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IF HE CAN PROVE THAT YOU'RE AN UNFIT MOTHER.

"IF HE CAN PROVE THAT YOU'RE AN UNFIT MOTHER."

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THANK YOU, COUNSELOR,

"THANK YOU, COUNSELOR,"

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AND WHO DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA PICK?

"AND WHO DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA PICK?"

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ME, A SINCERE, HARD-WORKING FAMILY MAN,

"ME, A SINCERE, HARD-WORKING FAMILY MAN,"

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OR YOU, A HARD-UP WAITRESS

"OR YOU, A HARD-UP WAITRESS"

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WHO LEAVES HER KIDS NIGHT AFTER NIGHT

"WHO LEAVES HER KIDS NIGHT AFTER NIGHT"

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TO COME TO A SLEAZY BAR, HUH?!

"TO COME TO A SLEAZY BAR, HUH?!"

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HEY, HEY. WATCH IT.

"HEY, HEY. WATCH IT."

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YEAH. SHE'S OFF THURSDAY NIGHTS.

"YEAH. SHE'S OFF THURSDAY NIGHTS."

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I CAN ALSO PROVE THAT YOU CONSORT

"I CAN ALSO PROVE THAT YOU CONSORT"

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WITH MEN OF QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER.

"WITH MEN OF QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER."

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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

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YOU GOT THE MORALS OF A SEWER RAT.

"YOU GOT THE MORALS OF A SEWER RAT."

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NOT TO WORRY. IF YOU KNEW YOUR LAW,

"NOT TO WORRY. IF YOU KNEW YOUR LAW,"

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YOU WOULD HAVE READ UP ON A LITTLE THING IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS

"YOU WOULD HAVE READ UP ON A LITTLE THING IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS"

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CALLED A DOUBLE STANDARD.

"CALLED A DOUBLE STANDARD."

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YEAH, WATCH THE BUREAUCRATS TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US, TOO.

"YEAH, WATCH THE BUREAUCRATS TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US, TOO."

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YOU'RE BLUFFING.

"YOU'RE BLUFFING."

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COURT COSTS MONEY, YOU KNOW,

"COURT COSTS MONEY, YOU KNOW,"

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AND UNLESS THE TV REPAIR BUSINESS

"AND UNLESS THE TV REPAIR BUSINESS"

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HAS INCREASED DRAMATICALLY,

"HAS INCREASED DRAMATICALLY,"

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YOU MAKE DIDDLY.

"YOU MAKE DIDDLY."

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YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH,

"YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH,"

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YOU SHOW YOUR IGNORANCE.

"YOU SHOW YOUR IGNORANCE."

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IT SO HAPPENS THAT THE TORTELLI TELEVISION HOSPITAL

"IT SO HAPPENS THAT THE TORTELLI TELEVISION HOSPITAL"

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HAS JUST COME OFF A RECORD-BREAKING QUARTER.

"HAS JUST COME OFF A RECORD-BREAKING QUARTER."

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I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW GOOD WE'RE DOING.

"I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW GOOD WE'RE DOING."

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I GOT 10 MEN WORKING UNDER ME,

"I GOT 10 MEN WORKING UNDER ME,"

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AND 2 OF THEM IS AMERICAN.

"AND 2 OF THEM IS AMERICAN."

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NICK, EVEN IF I WANTED TO GIVE YOU THOSE KIDS,

"NICK, EVEN IF I WANTED TO GIVE YOU THOSE KIDS,"

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THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU.

"THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU."

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THE YOUNG ONES DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

"THE YOUNG ONES DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE."

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THE OLD ONES HATE YOUR GUTS.

"THE OLD ONES HATE YOUR GUTS."

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I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING.

"I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING."

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ANTHONY LOVES ME.

"ANTHONY LOVES ME."

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NO, HE DOESN'T. HE'S THE OLDEST.

"NO, HE DOESN'T. HE'S THE OLDEST."

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HE'S THE ONE WHO BEST REMEMBERS YOU WALKING OUT ON HIM.

"HE'S THE ONE WHO BEST REMEMBERS YOU WALKING OUT ON HIM."

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THINKS YOU'RE A CREEP.

"THINKS YOU'RE A CREEP."

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HE THINKS I'M COOL.

"HE THINKS I'M COOL."

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